Below, I share some recent music. The first link is to a song that is truly helping me right now – Hang On. The other link is a rough mix of a new arrangement I started working on this week. Click the blue link to play audio:
HANG ON-7/22/13 Copyright 2011 by Judy Unger
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BESIDE ME ALWAYS-MIDI ARRANGEMENT IN PROGRESS
“Wednesday morning – Count down to Friday; two more days”
Was it courage or foolishness?
At this point, it didn’t matter to me. I was ready and willing to try anything that might alleviate my suffering.
What I planned to do this weekend was definitely something that in my former life I would never have considered.
It was completely “outside the box” for me. It sounded uncomfortable and scary. It wasn’t something that was even acceptable to discuss with friends and family. It was also expensive.
I decided to do it anyway!
Six months ago, a good friend told me how she participated in medicine healing workshops. I was curious about it and even looked up the medicine on the Internet. The experience was very intense, and definitely something I wouldn’t do based on only curiosity.
I left it at that.
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But recently, I had been suffering terribly with my eyes and a heavy heart. I visited my friend and she mentioned she had a workshop coming up on the weekend. She could see how miserable I was – I haltingly told her that perhaps I was indeed ready now. I wondered if she thought this workshop could help me. Her response was that it would definitely change my life.
Suddenly, my heart began to pound with excitement.
Later on, she called me back to say, “There is one opening left for this weekend. I would be honored if you did this and I’d stay by your side throughout. I admire how courageous you are. By Sunday, you will feel so much better about your life. You will see things quite differently. This is something more amazing than anything else you have ever done before.”
I wanted to know more and read carefully about the experience. I would sip a tea with an Amazonian herb named ayahuasca. After that, I would meditate for six hours and experience amazing visions and realizations. An experienced shaman/leader facilitated the weekend.
For me to have the bravery to do this was unbelievable. I have never smoked a cigarette. I dislike the taste of alcohol and have avoided drugs and medication throughout my life.
Maintaining control was very important to me, even though it was only an illusion. Still, the hardest part about this was the loss of control that would happen. I might cry uncontrollably. Or worse yet, I might vomit or have the runs. There was no way of knowing.
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It was likely enough that I was required to bring a container with a lid – just in case. My friend told me she had participated in over a hundred ceremonies and had never thrown up. But she told me the lid was important because I might thrash around and knock it over. The last thing I would want to do was clean up vomit.
Just imagining myself being that wild was terrifying; this was beyond scary!
I shared my anxiousness with her and she soothed me by saying, “Allow your nervous feelings to be excitement rather than fear. You will have an amazing journey within.”
I could feel my heart racing – there was definitely some excitement there. This was different from my heart racing with panic as I tried to find the courage to tell my husband I wanted a divorce.
There was preparation that was required for this experience. Over the next three days, I had to give up ingesting coffee, salt, sugar, onion and garlic. My friend explained to me that the medicine’s spell might affect me differently by having those things in my body. I prepared myself for a headache from caffeine withdrawal.
Then on Friday, I would be fasting from breakfast on. The ceremony would begin that evening.
After reading one of the links my friend sent me about ayahuasca, I was fascinated to know that many well-known musicians had gone through the experience, Paul Simon and Sting, for example.
My friend told me that great creativity would be unleashed afterwards. I was ready to dig deeper into my musical consciousness. For the last six months, I had been stuck focusing on my singing voice. It wasn’t that rewarding for me, as I concentrated more upon my flaws rather than celebrating my improvement.
Below are links with more information about ayahuasca.
http://www.realitysandwich.com/ayahuasca_experience
http://blogs.laweekly.com/westcoastsound/2013/05/ayahuasca_ben_lee_father_john_misty.php
This is a childhood drawing of mine that my father saved. It speaks to me about patterns. At the age of 53, I am willing to try new things and to change my patterns to feel better.
What I originally wrote to begin this post:
At this moment, I am not in a good place.
I realize that I have suffered with many things in my past, which I thankfully have overcome. That is helpful for me to remember. I pray that suffering isn’t so familiar that my mind wants to stay there.
But currently, it has been a tremendous effort for me to cope with the discomfort brought upon me by my eyes.
My mind says, “If you felt better, your eyes would feel better.”
I reply with, “If my eyes felt better, I’d feel better.”
Those conversations play over and over, and unfortunately the repetitious exchange has left me tearful and discouraged with my situation.
Last week I had an uneventful visit with the surgeon who performed my three cataract surgeries. He examined my eyes and said my retinas were fine. I wasn’t able to jump with joy.
The posterior vitreous detachment in both my eyes created blurs and floaters that irritated me. I blinked to clear a constant fog and as a result couldn’t concentrate well most of the time.
I expressed to him that I suffered with uncomfortable dryness and a constant sensation in both my eyes. He told me to continue using a prescription eye drop called Restasis.
Then he said that those drops would be my lifetime regimen. Once my medical insurance runs out, it would cost $120 for a 30-day supply.
As he examined me, I mentioned that it felt like there were feathers in my eyes. He looked up from his magnifier and said; “I actually see your floaters are shaped like feathers – so that’s probably why. Eventually, you’ll get used to them.”
Initially, working on music was helpful. But unfortunately, working many hours on the computer caused my eyes to feel worse. It was completely frustrating for me.
I was desperate to find a way to heal.
Another drawing from my childhood.
The Princess was miserable.
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She was hanging on. She was not afraid of the abyss below her. Looking up hurt her eyes. Climbing out seemed impossible. The heaviness within her was suffocating.
It took all of her energy to function without crying. Her tears were held in place by a wall of energy she could hardly muster. That wall was cracking all over the place and she kept trying to fill the spaces as quickly as the dam threatened to burst.
Her emotions were overwhelming. She tried to understand what was happening – to be rational, without judgment. She tried to be gentle – nothing made sense.
Before this had happened, she was excited about her new life. The worst part of leaving her former life was behind her and she had the freedom to follow her dreams.
But now there was such irony. Her “journey of insight” had paused as a result of her eyesight.
All that was in sight for her now were clouds inside her eyes.
The feathers and blurs were constant and annoying. Her eyes burned and she blinked away the tears. The fog moved in and out. She held out some hope that adjustment was possible. Over and over she was told it would improve over time.
Just like grief – she wanted to believe that. Her mind was filled with noise now and it was hard for her to hear the melodies that soothed her anymore.
So much healing was needed.-
Wow, did I have lush eyebrows back then. I always smile, and back in 4th grade I didn’t want to show my teeth because of braces!
© 2013 by Judy Unger http://www.myjourneysinsight.com. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
