Click the blue link below to hear audio of my brand new song:
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SOMEWHERE I CAN’T SEE-KARAOKE & GUITAR
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Everything that I have gone through led me to this place
Even though my heart’s been broken with all I’ve had to face
I will shine through my pain, even in darkness
I refuse to give in to bitterness
A fire once burned through my soul, it left me scarred and sad
My tears could easily fill an ocean, but love was what I had
I didn’t want losing you to tear me apart
I was blessed to be healed
Your love filled my heart
I hold on to love that’s in my memory
You’re not gone; you’re somewhere I can’t see
I won’t drown in misery
Because your love rescues me
It’s your love that rescues me
Every challenge just reminds me hold on to each day
No matter where my journey leads me, love will guide my way
I will climb through the clouds up into the sky
With every beat and every breath
I’ll love until I die
I hold on to the love that heals me
You’re not gone; you’re somewhere I can’t see
I won’t drown in misery
Because your love rescues me
Your love that rescues me, rescues me
I received a lot of love from my parents and felt safe with them. This picture captures that feeling well.
When I am asked what kind of music I create, my answer is usually that I consider my genre to be one of “healing music.” I feel as if I’ve invented my own category!
What exactly does “healing music” mean? For me, I see my songs as blessings that have helped me to personally heal. My songs comfort me greatly and help me to cope with all the challenges in my life.
Every song that I have written since my musical rediscovery at the age of 50 has deeply guided me. I believe I ended my marriage because of one of my songs. I was married for over three decades, so that’s definitely a profound impact from a song!
The satisfaction of knowing that my songs could help other people is indescribable. After three years, I’ve decided that improving my music and sharing it is what my journey is all about.
My writing and sharing began with this blog in February of 2009. I never imagined when I began that I would be where I am today.
It is important for me to explain that there are actually two distinct journeys I am following. There is my journey of insight, which is simply about finding meaning from my life. My musical journey is about how I have given myself permission to passionately create music.
Both journeys intersect, such as connecting to my vocal cords while singing and expressing my true feelings in my personal life. And my song’s lyrics always express my inner thoughts. All of my songs are enmeshed with my life and sometimes I dance around imagining that I’m living in a musical.
The first year of my journey was about remembering all of the songs I wrote before my music ended. I was delirious with joy. At the same time, I wrote about traumatic grief memories. As I released those stories, I began to heal from the numbness and anguish I had suffered with for decades.
The second year of my journey began with emptiness. I had finished reworking all of the songs I could remember from the past. I had no idea about whether I wanted to write new songs as an older woman. This was where something spiritual happened for me. I didn’t choose to write songs – they began to appear for me. I could not hold them back nor call them up. Every song had a life of its own. The songs held so many layers of meaning; I kept discovering new interpretations the more I sang them.
Unfortunately, my joy began to ebb away because my songs gave me clarity and insight I hadn’t had before. I could not be joyful because I was living an artificial life. I had zero affection and no connection in my marriage for decades (a rhyme from one of my songs). I suffered in silence and escaped into music because it was the one place where I could honestly express my feelings.
My third year of my journey was when I found the courage to change my life.
I was an artist from the time I was young. I drew this pastel as a child.
I am now sailing on that boat above into uncharted waters.
My father died a little over a year ago. A month after that, I told my husband I wanted a divorce after 31 years of marriage.
It has been nine months since I moved out. I am living in my childhood coop/apartment that I had originally planned to sell after my father’s death. It turned out to be a great place for me to start over.
This has been a sad time for me. I find it a daily challenge not to cry when my eyes feel foggy and my vision is dingy. I am not gentle with myself about it. I berate myself for not overlooking what must be fairly minor since an eye chart shows my vision to be perfectly acceptable. There are far worse things I could suffer from and my condition is supposed to eventually improve.
I still tend to suffer with my three children and whatever problems they have that I wish I could “fix.” I carry a lot of guilt over upending my husband’s life, as well as my children’s. My mother continues to ebb away with dementia. The fact that my eyesight constantly bothers me makes everything harder.
The symptoms of my sadness have been nail-biting and weight gain. I am very frustrated with myself and feel stuck.
I miss the joy I carried the first year of my musical journey. If any insight could be gleaned from all of this, it would be that I know healing is possible. I am certain that I have healed from horrific grief after the death of my child.
Therefore, I know I will heal from my current pain and sadness.
The only page I wrote while composing my song. There were a few changes, but not many.
My unreleased audio book is all about finding joy after loss. I am determined not to give up hope that I will heal, because then I wouldn’t be following my own clear message of hopefulness. That is why my new song is such a blessing for me.
The last song that I composed was “Angel in the Sky” seven months ago. I truly do not look to write new songs because I am quite busy recording vocals and working upon improving my singing voice. My plan is to finish my first audio book CD and start recording my second book, which isn’t even written yet. I try not to impose deadlines upon myself, because I am the singer, guitarist, lyricist, composer, illustrator and writer for all of my creations. It is overwhelming at times to be doing so many things, but I actually find it quite amazing that I have the ability to express myself creatively in so many ways.
Unlike most of my songs, “Somewhere I Can’t See” unfolded at a snail’s pace. I heard the chords and composed the melody three months ago. I wrote one verse a month and a few weeks ago scrawled out the chorus. There weren’t pages of lyrics, nor did a construct a bunch of rhymes to work with, which is something I often do. There was only one page!
My song was inspired by one of my favorite stories on this blog, and I share a blue link to it below:
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ALL I HAVE LEFT AFTER THE DEATH OF MY CHILD
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A fire that burned through my soul” is a lyric line that comes directly from that story above. It is a beautiful metaphor for grief after my child died. Another lyric line in my song came directly from another poem on this blog named “My Tears Filled An Ocean.”
Because I was inspired by my story about healing from love, I wanted to sing, “Love heals me” at the end of my song. But instead I kept singing, “Love rescues me.”
Needing to be rescued sounded more desperate and more appropriate for my current situation, so it made sense. It led me to believe that my song’s title would therefore be “Love Rescues Me.”
But for some reason, I wasn’t excited about it. It seemed too obvious and there were many other possibilities. “You’re Not Gone” wasn’t a bad choice. I have written a lot about feeling love and surviving loss by seeing my loved one in other ways. It reminded me of my song “Hang On,” which I originally named “Love Will Always Stay.” That name did not stick.
Then I had a revelation while singing the lyric line of “somewhere I can’t see.” Those words held a lot of meaning for me. Initially, it was about knowing that the future held things for me I couldn’t envision at the moment. Then I realized it applied to my annoying vision; eventually my eyes would improve or I would adjust to them somehow.
Just as I was losing hope, my song came along to lift me up!
I can’t see where I’m going; no human can. I accept that I have a lot of challenges. Despite those hurdles, I cherish my new life and carry no regrets. I wrote on my last post about the favorite lyric line in this song: “I refuse to give in to bitterness.” I must mention that I changed one word: “give in” replaced the word “succumb.” My arranger, George, suggested I replace “succumb” with an alternate word that was more pleasing to the ear. He didn’t like the word “challenge” either, but I decided not to replace it.
Another lyric line that relates to my current situation is: “I will climb through the clouds up into the sky.” The clouds represent the uncomfortable eyesight I currently have due to complications from cataract surgery. I hope to adjust because I want to climb up and out of the hole I am currently struggling in!
I love dreaming and will never stop. I continue to smile and always will.
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The most important message from my song (and my journey) is to inspire people to know that healing from grief is possible.
When I sing my song, I remember my dead son, Jason and how much love I feel to and from him.
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When I sing my song, I remember how much my parents loved me. I feel their love and my mother still expresses her love for me despite severe dementia.
When I sing my song, I try to conquer fear about ever finding romantic love again in my life.
When I sing my song, the “love that’s in my memory“ is also about my love for music that I pushed aside for decades. It turned out it wasn’t gone!
When I sing my song, I am reminded of god’s love, because I have been blessed by inspirational music to help me.
But most importantly, when I sing my song I am reminded that self-love is the answer.
I won’t drown in misery!
Below I share pictures of the love that I hold onto.
In this picture I am on a hike with my childhood friend, Joni (in the center) and my brother, Norm on the left. Joni encouraged me to play my guitar again after decades of it being in a dusty case.
Love shines through in this grainy photo of my best friend in college. Cheryl died five years ago.
This photo carries the memory of romantic love. I am wearing a pendant/necklace and my future husband wore the other half.
My two brothers have been very kind to me since my father died.
Sadly, they do not communicate with each other since shortly before my father’s death.
This is a picture of Jason as a baby. He died when he was five from a heart defect. Jason loved my guitar and music. After his death, I could not sing for a very long time.
I learned so much about love from my children. It began with Jason and continues to this day with my three living children.
My good friend, Marge, came over to visit me last week. We’ve been friends for 35 years. Marge heard my new song, which I played for her in my apartment. She thought the “You’re not gone, you’re somewhere I can’t see” could also relate to my ex-husband. Whew, my song has so many hidden meanings!
I posted this picture two years ago. I have lunch every week with my mother and each brother separately. I see my handsome nephew, Sean and middle brother, Howard mid-week. I see my brother Norm, and sister-in-law, Jo on Saturdays. My father is not smiling in heaven. He is crying about our family rift. He is also crying that I am biting my fingernails again.
Thank you, god for my music and songs.
© 2013 by Judy Unger http://www.myjourneysinsight.com. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
