I really wasn’t supposed to take any pictures, so I have little to share. I had to take a picture of this soap in the bathroom, since Jason was the name of my dead son.
Only four hours after I came home from my medicine healing retreat, I was at my computer eager to write about it. For certain, one of the things I gained from attending this retreat was excitement about writing again. I’ve missed that feeling.
For months now, I have spent most of my energy doing tedious vocal editing and there really wasn’t any balance in my life. My Ayahuasca experience showed me how exciting it was to allow myself to venture out of my comfort zone. I had also forgotten how healing it was for me to share my journey’s insight on this blog.
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Lately, I’ve neglected doing nurturing things for myself; things that could help me cope better with stress. The freedom to write has always been there, but unfortunately, my own mind imprisoned me. Freeing myself to do other things was one of many terrific revelations I gained from this past weekend.
I have far too much to write for one post and want my writing to be thoughtful. I’ve read about other people’s Ayahuasca experiences and found many of them to be boring. But for certain, what I am about to write will be brutally honest, almost to a point of being embarrassing for me. Yet if there is anything that I have learned from this blog, opening up has been the purest form of healing for me. I am not afraid.
I did let go of many fears and discovered strength this weekend that I hadn’t celebrated enough.
Obviously, this is my personal experience. I am restricted from sharing names, locations or anything specific to the ceremony, but I will write descriptive details. Within those constraints, I will delve deeply into what was unlocked within my mind during my 12-hour experience with a mind-altering substance.
I hope to make this interesting. Despite the intensity of what I went through, I found many moments of humor.
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5:00 p.m.
Prior to loading up my car, I said goodbye to my three teenagers (my oldest son was visiting). There was complete irony when my daughter said to me, “Mom, are you going to take drugs at this medicine ceremony?” When I refused to answer, she said, “You haven’t confided in me, and I’m always open with you. If you do take something, please be careful!”
So as I left, it dawned on me that signing up for this ceremony was about doing something exploratory and reminiscent of something that I hadn’t done while in my twenties. I grew up with very strict rules and repression, marrying at the age of twenty and going from my parents’ home with rules into one with my husband and his rules.
I felt remarkably calm and not at all hungry, which was amazing for me. Already I could see the benefit of discovering my ability to fast; it had been decades since I’d done that. I carried a lot of angst about hating the Jewish Holidays, because I felt I was forced to attend services with my parents and follow things exactly the way my mother dictated. She was powerful, and I was traumatized by seeing her yell at my middle brother for not observing the second day of the Jewish New Year. He was reduced to tears facing her outrage.
As I drove, I listened to my music for half an hour. I usually only listen to recent music I am working on, but this time I went back to listen to older songs. One of the best revelations occurred for me on this drive.
I decided that I was tired of vocal editing and planned to accelerate releasing my audio book and songs, even if my vocals weren’t of my current “improved voice.” Many of my older songs had more emotion and that was something I realized would touch people far more.
This realization was huge for me! I was excited about my newfound energy, despite living with eyesight that constantly bothered me.
My hair felt like wire because I had used an unscented baby soap to wash myself. I had to be fragrance free and skipped deodorant because I didn’t have anything unscented. I was too busy to worry about my body odor.
I arrived at the “secret location,” which was high in the hills above Los Angeles. My good friend who had participated in hundreds of ceremonies welcomed me and told me where to put my gear. I set up a yoga mat and rested a lawn chair upon it across from her. My chair had a limit of 225 lbs. and I was relieved when I bought it earlier in the day at a nearby drugstore. It was the last one on the shelf. I was about at that top weight and hoped it wouldn’t collapse on me. As I write this, I share that I lost five pounds since yesterday. That by itself is a great beginning for me to find control and regain my health.
I walked into a beautiful spacious home. There was a large area with hardwood floors where the ceremony would be held. I was glad I had thought to send an email earlier and ask how I could make it more comfortable for me to meditate. I was not in shape to sit on the floor for six hours without feeling pain from my legs and back. The Shaman (leader) gave me permission to bring a low lawn chair to sit in; it was required not to be squeaky because it could disturb the others in the room. He said that during the ceremony, sounds were heightened by the medicine. With my eyes closed, I might see imagery that was overwhelming and that could cause me to rock in the chair.
The other 20 people participating in the ceremony were simply beautiful to look at. They all shined with excitement and were receptive to meeting god and experiencing spiritual cleansing. There were fewer women than men and a lot of energy as we all sat very close together.
I noticed a lot of interesting ritual paraphernalia upon a floor mat in front of the Shaman. He was puffing on pipes and busy with all kinds of brews and bottles. It was fascinating to watch him.
The Shaman had everyone introduce themselves and asked us to speak about what we hoping to achieve with our healing. When it was my turn, I said quite simply that I had experienced a lot of trauma in my life. It always amazed me when I listed “my baggage.” I said that my firstborn son had died twenty years ago. I had worked tirelessly advocating and coping with three special needs children. I had been a caregiver for my parents (my father died a year ago and my mother was wasting away with severe dementia). And lastly, I had chosen to divorce my husband after 31 years.
After everyone finished their introductions, The Shaman talked about what would happen while we explored our inner demons. Much of the Shaman’s words reminded me of hypnotherapy tenants. He said that habits of thought imprisoned our lives. This ceremony would force us to confront those habits that were holding us back. It would be life changing and great revelations would occur. I was so ready for that. I certainly knew that music had transformed me, but I needed help coping with the sadness from my eyesight discomfort and guilt about hurting my husband and children by ending my marriage.
The Shaman continued to answer questions and relayed a lot of information about the ceremony. It had been going on for thousands of years in South America. He traveled there frequently and told anecdotes that were fascinating about some of his experiences with Ayahuasca ceremonies in the jungles of the Andes’.
He considered the Ayahuasca medicine to be a spirit; it was powerful and all-knowing about what each individual required in order to heal. There was no fighting it and trusting that spirit would make the process much easier and reduce pain. He said that letting go and not fighting the magic of the healing power was very important.
Every ayahuasca experience was different for every person and unique each time the brew was ingested.
One thing I found amazing was that the brew was actually made by combining two plants. Each plant by itself cannot produce any effects. Because that area of the world has literally billions of plants, it was miraculous that the indigenous people discovered it. The process of brewing it was also very complex and had been going on since 500 BC. I had a lot of respect for the history behind it. There was a lot of scientfiic material on it, but the healing properties were supposedly mysterious and unexplainable.
Candles were lit and the odors were powerful. It was nauseating and that was something I was already trying to come to terms with. I had a vomiting phobia. Most of my life, I resisted throwing up even though I had to surrender to it on certain occasions. I remembered each and every one; I even counted the years between those times. My last episode was probably 15 years ago when I took a pain reliever on an empty stomach.
Therefore, part of my courage about this ceremony was the likelihood I would vomit. I brought my container (with a lid to avoid spillage) and decided I would let go of my fear about it. I certainly knew from past experience that the suffering of fighting it was a torment, because there was always so much relief afterwards. Still, I had learned amazing calming techniques to get myself out of many nauseating situations. I often suffered from severe carsickness as a child and when my parents drove through a canyon, it was like torture for me.
The Shaman explained that purging was an important part of the Ayahuasca experience; it was about releasing the toxins from the soul as well as the body. The purging could be vomiting, diarrhea or intense crying – any or all of those three things. He said that if it happened, gratefulness and thankfulness should be offered because it was a gift.
I felt some fear when the Shaman said that it was common to actually feel as if you were dying during this experience. He said that it was important to know it wasn’t the case, but it might feel very real and scary.
One of the rules was silence. He said that with such an intense experience, the sound of crying and moaning was disturbing to others in the room. I was certain I could be quiet because I was really good at that. In my apartment/coop, I struggled with it and never felt free to sing or make phone calls when my teenagers were home. I could count the moments where I was alone and free to roam my abode; I was lucky if it totaled more than a few hours in an entire week.
Lastly, he discussed certain signals that were important in case of emergencies. If assistance was needed to go to the bathroom, we were to call out his name. If anyone said help, it was like calling 911 and wasn’t to be used unless it was a true emergency. He again quizzed everyone to be sure no one had any drugs in their system that might interact with the medicine.
I thought about my experience as one where I would travel to a fantastic place in the universe. Before my journey of insight began three years ago, I often felt jealousy when close friends shared about their world travels. I had been to very few places in my life. I hadn’t had an enjoyable vacation in so long that I couldn’t remember when the last time was. I realized that I now that the freedom to change that, if I chose to.
It was perfect for me to imagine I was going on an amazing trip. My friends might have gone to Europe, but here I was experiencing something also amazing. I felt like a virgin and it was profound. Just mentioning that word, was an important clue about where my experience would lead. I held a lot of repression around my sexuality and wanted healing surrounding it. I experienced great trauma at the age of 20 when my mother pressured me to marry six months before my planned wedding. It had recently surfaced again for me. It was a result of watching my own childrens’ budding sexuality and feeling confusion. I did not want to give them any hang-ups or messages I had received as a child.
Earlier that morning, I had a wonderful hypnotherapy session. There were profound revelations there and it was actually terrific because it prepared me for the ceremony better than I could ever have imagined. It turned out that my mother hadn’t actually “forced me” to get married, when she found out I wasn’t a virgin. It was my oldest brother’s idea, and I followed it to pacify her. I needed to find more forgiveness in my heart. She hadn’t meant to harm me; it was more about how fixated she was on “doing the right thing.”
The lights were dimmed and it was quiet. Candles were lit. The Shaman performed a few rituals and the odors were becoming more intense. Strange musical sounds wafted through the room as he played bizarre instruments.
The inevitability of my experience beginning was very close now. I felt my heart fill with courage as I waited for my turn.
The Shaman gingerly dropped bark and leaves into a boiling pot. He mixed in thick liquid from a bottle and then poured a small amount of dark brew into a ceramic goblet. He chanted something as he inhaled from a pipe and blew smoke into the cup. Everyone used the same cup and he wiped it in between with a paper towel.
I watched the man in front of me swig his brew and now it was my turn. Earlier, I had asked a question about what the brew tasted like and joked that I hoped it would be like chocolate. The Shaman said it was more like vanilla. The goblet was handed to me and I gulped it down.
The liquid was brown and thick. It tasted bitter, smoky and actually was a little like chocolate. Even though I swallowed it easily, after a moment I decided it was horrible. I was left with a disgusting taste in my mouth and my throat burned. I hadn’t drunk much liquid because I hoped it would give me less chance of throwing up. I had played tennis early in the morning and hadn’t eaten since 7 a.m., so my mouth was very dry.
With the first wave of sensation, I felt like I was on a dizzying car ride. There was no going back now.
My trip to hell began.
Just before I left, I made myself cup of tea. I loved the quote on the tea bag so much that I saved it on the counter.
© 2013 by Judy Unger http://www.myjourneysinsight.com. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
