This picture was taken during my recent trip to Northern California.
My post title is a lyric line from my latest song composition that is “in progress.” It stood out for me as a perfect description of what I’ve been going through.
Originally, the music for my song was inspired by a classical guitar instrumental named “Waterfalls.” I composed it when I was 19 years old. I’m not sure what my new song with lyrics will be named yet, but so far “Take Me Away” stands out as most likely, though I’d prefer a title that hasn’t been used so many times before.
Click the blue link to play audio of my arrangement in progress:
TAKE ME AWAY Midi in progress – Copyright 2014 by Judy Unger
This is the first verse of my newest song that is slowly being born.
I begin my post by sharing some photos of the beautiful coastal scenery I saw in Northern California two weeks ago.
I stayed with a family friend, Liz after attending a memorial for my friend Susan Rasky. I haven’t travelled much, so it was very special when Liz drove me through some beautiful places the following day. Liz and her husband lived in Sebastopol, Northern California and both she and her husband were geologists.
After having lunch with Liz’s mother at a senior center, Liz took me for a long drive back to her house. It turned into a three-hour looping trip through redwood forests and coastline and the scenery was quite spectacular.
Every so often we stopped so I could take a picture. I appreciated Liz’s knowledge about the area’s history, geography and climate. But most of all, I was fascinated and simply loved the fact that I was with a geologist.
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That’s because I collected rocks as a child and have always loved nature. After my father died, it was touching for me to see my old rock collections when my oldest son cleaned out the coop where I moved into. I wasn’t surprised that my dad had saved them because he never threw anything away. I guess I’m still attracted to cool rocks because I even brought one home with me from my recent trip to Tucson.
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Within short distances, a rolling meadow would suddenly become a rainforest. The road followed a river that I occasionally caught a glimpse of. It was called the Russian River and its water level was very low, due to drought.
While on our excursion, I was inspired by one incredible moment that happened when we pulled off shortly before hitting the coastline.
We had followed the Russian River through a redwood forest and were at an estuary where it met the ocean. The view was quite breathtaking; this was definitely a place to stop. Liz parked and I got out to use the bathroom. As I walked back to the car, instead of marveling at the incredible ocean vista in front of me, I turned around toward the hills and said to Liz, “Wow, those are interesting rock formations over there on the other side of the highway.”
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Liz smiled. Suddenly, I received a fantastic geology lesson. As I listened to her, I grinned because if I hadn’t noticed those rocks, I might have missed out on this.
Well, it turned out those rocks were more than special.
I had just noticed rocks that were found nowhere else in the world!
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In this town of Jenner where we had parked, those outcroppings represented the Earth’s mantle. For rock to be thrust up to the Earth’s surface from so deep near the core – it was truly an incredible force of nature.
And this was the spot where geologists came from all over the world to see.
Right near our car, there was an interesting boulder. I pointed it out to Liz. For over five minutes she examined it and described all the minerals to me in that rock.
I took her picture, which she gave me permission to share.
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Prior to our excursion, I appreciated this fortune I received in a cookie during the luncheon I attended with Liz and her mother.
I have to admit that I have not felt like writing and sharing much these days.
I like to write with complete honesty. When my blog and journey began, I never held back. The excitement and joy I felt in 2010 is something I will always remember and hold onto. I certainly hope I’ll discover those feelings again someday.
Unfortunately, I suffer constantly from debilitating eye pain because of dry eye syndrome. The pain and fog resulting from this condition has cast a cloud over my life. My emotional pain (as a result) has me crying a lot of the time.
Is that not ironic? I have so many tears for a woman with dry eyes!
Even as I plod through my days I continue doing the music that I love, though everything is more difficult for me. When I walk outdoors, I usually close my eyes. This habit of closing my eyes has made it tough to be with other people. Closing my eyes does not even alleviate my discomfort either.
It hasn’t been easy driving because my eyes must be open for that. My acuity (results from viewing an eye chart) is adequate – so I don’t worry that it’s a safety issue. But my eyes hurt more when I concentrate hard.
But I am honest when I admit that I have reached a low point. I saw another eye specialist for dry eyes two weeks ago and was given a steroid cream to use on my eyelids at night. I have not felt much improvement since then. In a month, I’m scheduled to have a minor procedure that will insert tiny tubes into my tear ducts permanently, which I’m not sure I’ll do yet.
I have decided that my motto of “nothing stops me” is not serving me anymore – especially in regards to overeating. My own body has been screaming at me to stop. I have no choice now except to listen.
I had to finally face the fact that what I’ve been doing in order to cope has resulted in a lot of extra weight. Eating is simply like taking a drug; it is a numbing mechanism for the pain resulting from shoving feelings back down inside.
Although I’ve avoided dieting by preferring to soothe myself with food, thankfully something has shifted since I’ve returned from my last trip. I’m back to a healthier eating track and am hoping my eyes might improve if I lost weight.
I continue to utilize hypnotherapy to harness my mind and help myself. As I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, I realize how adept I am at pushing down painful memories.
Recently, I had a pivotal hypnotherapy session where something really clicked for me. I came home with a new word and a new approach for my challenges. That word was ACKNOWLEDGE.
I carry a lot of old habits and coping mechanisms – grief has unfortunately been a familiar part of my life. I have no doubt that my dry eye syndrome has worsened because of suppressed grief. I’ve felt pressured to uphold an image of a “poster child for grief.”
Also, I dislike feeling as if I’m a “complainer” because of my eye problems. I don’t want pity from anyone and certainly avoid self-pity as much as possible.
Unfortunately, thinking that way has blocked my ability to acknowledge a lot of painful parts of my life.
Like a victim of amnesia, my former life is remote because I’ve forced myself to separate from any pain I start experiencing. Therefore, when I’ve thought about my parents, it’s as if they’re strangers even though their deaths were fairly recent. My mother died in my arms only a few months ago – but my heart has been numb and blocked.
As I acknowledge the truth about how much I miss them, my grief is surfacing like a tidal wave. Crying over losing them is understandable because they inhabited such a large portion of my life.
I found it very disturbing to realize that what I couldn’t acknowledge during the day surfaced while I was sleeping.
In many dreams my mother appeared to me. We were holding hands and laughing, and then suddenly she died. Each time it happened in a different way.
One of my worst dreams was when I saw her fall through some ice we were walking on. I tried to grab her as she reached for my hand in the icy dark water. I silently screamed as she descended; then I saw Jason looking up at me from the dark depths below her.
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For certain, losing my parents has not been comparable to the loss of my young son.
I shoveled dirt onto my mother’s coffin during her funeral, I was calm and marveled how accepting I was of her death at that moment.
When my son died, I wanted to jump into the very hole where I was shoveling the dirt. I wished I were dead and inside the coffin with him.
It has been hard to remember my parents this happy because they suffered so much at the end of their lives.
Writing lyrics is something that happens for me when I’m not trying so hard. As I listened to the haunting chords in a completely weird guitar key of Eb minor – I wanted to envision going somewhere peaceful in nature. That still might happen for the second verse, which is not done yet. I wrote the first verse a month ago and couldn’t decide where to go with it.
I did know that I wanted to be taken away. I wasn’t sure by whom or where, either. A few days ago, I wrote new chords that I hoped would inspire me to finally write a chorus.
But it was really tough when some words spilled out of me as I searched to find those lyrics.
It was the line of, “I’m crying while I’m dreaming” that hit me hard. It was natural and understandable.
My recent dreams were the basis for my song. I wrote a few more lines and decided my song was being born. It was so healing and amazing for me.
Perhaps, God was taking me away from my pain after all.
© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
