Performing my song at Kulak’s Woodshed last week was very uplifting during this vulnerable time. Somehow . . . I’ve kept my smile!
Link to other recordings and stories about this song: IN THE PAST
Since breaking my ankle on July 1st, I have been spending a lot of time by myself sitting at home. I am eager for this episode to be in the past already. I have been concentrating on being patient as I continue to heal.
My song “In The Past” is very inspiring for me. There are nuggets of wisdom within my lyrics and I will sprinkle them in this post using italics. I actually chose this song to be my concluding story lesson for a new course I’m creating on the meditation app, Insight Timer.
Tomorrow, I’m going to the doctor. Since being disappointed last month, I am trying hard not to have any expectations.
Although I pray I can start standing and walking again, I want to focus on baby steps and appreciation. If I think about this differently, I get very choked up. So thoughts of playing tennis again have been pushed aside for a while.
How do I treasure my life when I do not have the freedom to walk out of my apartment?
First of all, I have enjoyed doing things I love on my computer. I have been recording songs with multiple guitar tracks and I’ve even been experimenting by adding lead guitar riffs to song intros. I also work on piano editing and singing vocals for almost every song. There is no end to projects for me.
Below are some instrumental examples for this song from last year:
I have tweaked these lyrics slightly
I also allow myself to feel. This translates to me weeping at the drop of a hat.
It’s embarrassing to cry so easily, but I have learned what wonderful friends and children I have through this situation. I started to write “ordeal,” but the ordeal is in the past. The surgery and accident is farther and farther behind me now.
Crying might imply that I’m complaining about my situation. Comparisons are natural, but they shut me down with guilt for not being more appreciative. Of course, I am very lucky that I didn’t break something else – like my hands or my head. I am also very lucky that my ankle can be repaired. But still, my tears erupt and I allow them to. In order to be compassionate to others, I start by being my own best friend.
Things that made me cry, gave me wings to fly. This line helps me to make sense of how I can turn my struggles into life lessons that leads me to greater heights.
Not everything makes sense at the time. I bruised my ribs and cried profusely from the pain after slipping while getting up from a movie theatre seat three weeks ago. Having pain in my ribs has made sleeping and moving around in my wheelchair much more difficult. I am still coping with this, but it’s a lot better.
Twice now, I’ve gone to be checked because of concerns about a possible blood clot – due to sitting so much. My son took me to the ER late at night last week and thankfully, I was okay.
Going to Urgent Care six weeks ago was extremely difficult. This was because my kids were unavailable and I had to find someone to take me at the last minute.
I trusted my doctor friend who advised me to go, despite my reservations that it was “too much trouble to get there.” This was one of my hardest moments. I had to care about myself enough to trust him and do what was best for my recovery.
After a lot of angst, I pushed myself to text a tennis friend who lived nearby. It was late at night and I didn’t expect to hear from her. When I saw her response, I started bawling.
She said she would take me the next morning. Believe it or not, I was still resistant because I hated to impose upon her. She gently coaxed me.
The next morning I called to make an appointment and instead I was told to send a picture. My surgeon’s response was that everything looked fine. This made my situation even harder, because without an appointment there would be a long wait. I called my friend and her voice was chipper when she said she was looking forward to taking me regardless.
Her kindness is something I’ll never forget. She spent six hours waiting with me. It turned out I had an infection and it was a good thing that I had gone. Unfortunately, over the next week the antibiotics caused me develop itchy hives, which added to my misery.
I think now I know why I’ve been crying so easily!
Even though I’ve felt like I’ve been imprisoned, I know it is temporary. I’m certain I’ll find my strength again once freedom is returned to me. I might not forget my suffering, but I will continue to treasure my life and the ability to walk again.
My journey is not about where I will go. My past is behind me and my dreams are right in front of me.
This silhouette image was taken in 1981, when I was 21. Definitely, in the past!
IN THE PAST
–
I look back, amazed at where I am today
There were times I almost gave up
Painful memories are in my past
I just didn’t know then
I’d live with joy again
–
I look ahead, my dreams are right in front of me
What threw me down gave me my strength
I’ve kept my smile through it all
I allowed myself to feel
and learned that I could heal
–
In the past are things I could regret
What I suffered through I can’t forget
Pain that made me cry
Gave me wings to fly
–
My journey is not about where I will go
Each day, I treasure my life
I’ve left behind the pain and chains
Every tragedy didn’t imprison me
–
In the past are things I could regret
I know how love once felt
I can’t forget
The strength to say goodbye
Gave me wings to fly
–
Once I felt hopeless and so alone
Now I’m soaring – I have flown
In the past are things I could regret
I know how love once felt
I can’t forget
Pain that made me cry
gave me wings to fly
Gave me wings to fly
