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This illustration of mine is the cover for my song named Autumn Recollections, which was composed in 1977. The fall is significant for me because that was when my son, Jason died. And later on my mother also died in the fall.
In five days, it will be the 23rd anniversary of Jason’s death. He died in 1992 at the age of five from a congenital heart defect.
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When I finish my newest song with a vocal, I plan to repost this story.
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This post is my way to honor him.–
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Last week I composed a new song, which I named “It’s Not Forever.” I gave my new song that title before I even composed any lyrics or melody.
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I haven’t decided upon my lyrics exactly, but the arrangement is done and I plan to record my guitar into it soon. I’m excited to share here an acoustic version I recorded in my bedroom, as well as the arrangement in progress.
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Click the blue link to hear audio:
It’s Not Forever Acoustic-Copyright 2015 by Judy Unger
It’s Not Forever Arrangement 10/1/15-Copyright 2015 by Unger
I usually write a new song every few months. It surprised me that another song came to me so soon, since I just composed my song “In the Past.”
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“It’s Not Forever” is definitely about coping in the present. I find it humorous. Now I’ve moved out of the past and perhaps I’ll name my next song “Someday” as a tribute to the future!
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These lyrics to my newest song mention how “I’ve been there, too. That is similar to my older song “Hang On.”
Since my music and writing journey began in 2010, a lot of things have changed for me regarding my feelings about grief.
In 2011, I wrote my song “Hang On.” My lyrics had me speaking to someone whom I imagined had given up on life. I emphatically say, “One day, your pain will go away!”
How could I know that? I’m squirming just thinking about how I had the confidence to write those lyrics. And yet, many times I’ve felt hopeless and listened to my own song. It has uplifted me, so that counters some of my conflicted feelings.
I’m not planning to revise “Hang On,” but moving forward I prefer not to tell anyone how, when or whether they might heal. I want my words to only reflect my own experience.
Recently, I sang a new vocal for “Hang On” and the story where it can be heard is at the blue link below:
Hang On – Original Story and Song
“The years that buried me”
It turned out that I was very inspired by a paragraph I wrote while composing “In the Past.” Even though I only used one word from that entire paragraph in my song (tragedy), those sentences were very profound for me.
I was extremely moved by the line of: “How could I forget you?”
I have told myself many times that my deceased son, Jason wouldn’t have wanted me to suffer with endless grief.
Despite knowing that, I couldn’t help my feelings. He was dead and I was left coping with horrific pain.
I believe that for a long time, I subconsciously felt guilty letting go of my grief and sadness. My subconscious dictated that if I wasn’t crying, perhaps I had forgotten how much I loved him.
A few weeks ago, I was up late at night writing an introduction for a book about grief, which I planned to record as an audiobook. It was something I had wanted to do for a long time, but wasn’t sure where to begin.
My hesitation was related to how it was going to be different from the one I thought I’d release three years ago. I no longer wanted to “ educate” anyone about grief and preach that healing was certain.
It turned out that living with my dry eye condition gave me a lot more compassion. It was hard to have hope of healing when pain in the present was overwhelming.
When I wrote my introduction, I shared a long list of words I copied from a post on an Internet grief forum. This group had thousands of members and people were asked to use a single word to describe their grief. Below is just a partial list:
Some hopeful words that really stood out to me were: stages, brave, enlightening, determined, necessary and life changing. The people who wrote those words amazed me with their positive approach; I know words are powerful and can shape feelings. When I’ve described my grief – it wasn’t with such positive intentions.
Expressing raw pain was more helpful for me because it was a release. Eighteen years after my son’s death, I could easily remember and write about the horror of losing him. I called it the “amputation of my soul” and that statement described deep pain no one else could see or imagine.
So my word on that long list was “amputation.” A sudden amputation could cause a person to bleed to death; it leaves huge scars and one must learn to compensate for the missing part. That is what I’ve done.
The word on that long list that was repeated most often was “forever.” That certainly fits my belief about how the amputation of my soul changed me forever. All of this led me to write my new song.
This paragraph inspired chorus lyrics to my newest song “in progress.”
So what exactly am I singing about in, “It’s Not Forever?”
I am singing to someone in grief in the verses and in the chorus I am singing to myself.
I express how thankful I am that my grief did not last forever.
And my song offers me hope that my dry eye discomfort will get better someday – just like some of the awful things I’ve experienced in my past. I still become emotional remembering Jason’s death 23 years later, but it is much different now.
I realize that the last line of the chorus – of “being carried” is a cliché. However, sometimes I’ve wondered how I’ve coped as well as I have. My explanation is that I have been carried – hope, love, memories and God. Those are blessings that I am grateful for every day of my life.
The word “always” is similar to “forever” and represents extreme thinking. “Never” is also extreme, being the opposite.
On that long list, I think “forever” is the saddest word. To me, it represents complete hopelessness. Similar ones are: terminal, everlasting, always, lifeless, eternal and infinite.
It’s interesting, but all of those words not only describe grief, they also clearly revolve around death.
Yes, death certainly is forever.
Even though my song started out as a testament to my healing from grief – it ended up carrying another important meaning for me beyond that.
What is not forever is LIFE! Life is finite.
So even though I wrote my song to express how deep grief did not last forever for me, now I’m reminded that, “Life is not forever.”
I want to make the most of this precious gift I have been given. Every day, I search for ways to treasure my life. What especially gives me joy are my three children. I am fortunate that they are all very close to me.
This past month, my youngest son (18) began attending college for the first time. He has had so many wonderful experiences so far, which he has shared with me. This led me to find additional insight for my song.
“It’s not forever” also applies to what can easily be taken for granted. Watching my children grow up has been such a blessing. One day, they will be much older and things might be different. Sometimes, it’s hard to realize how precious something is until it is gone.
When my child died, I buried him and part of me died, too. I wanted to crawl into his coffin to be with him. I wished I were dead because the pain was too much for me.
I kept on going. It seemed like my grief was endless and forever – but it turned out it wasn’t. Eventually, I marveled at my survival.
The years that buried me are over now because I found a way to dig myself out. And when I did, I realized that Jason had never left me.
I only left behind my grief and sadness. I rediscovered joy.
The huge hole in my heart wasn’t empty either – it was filled with our love.
© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
