This image will be on the back of my upcoming vocal CD release. I went through the door and a pine forest represents a beautiful image where I am going to follow my dreams.
Clicking the blue link plays audio:
THE DOOR #4-7/5/15 Copyright 2015 by Judy Unger
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THE DOOR
Copyright 2015 by Judy Unger
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When I close the door and it’s no secret anymore
Then you’ll know; how sad we were together
I left you long ago
When the closet is bare, empty spaces everywhere
But you knew, the truth that I was absent
My distance only grew
When love went away, I just couldn’t stay
It was time; I knew it then
To begin my life again
I would be ok, even though love went away
My soul I could restore, if I went through that door
When the sheets are still; silence a TV cannot fill
All those years, pretending I was happy
I cried so many tears
As you look upon the empty spaces when I’m gone
You must face, the love you took for granted
with every empty space
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When love went away, I just couldn’t stay
It was time; I knew it then
To begin my life again
I would be ok, even though love went away
I left because I was worth more
I went through the door
Link to other stories about this song:
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On my new version of this song, I made a lyric change. I didn’t like singing “vanished.” The new line became, “The love you took for granted.”
I’ve written about the theme of letting go with many of my songs.
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It was nearly impossible for me to let go when my young son died. I let go of my own life for a long time. Inside I felt like I died with him and it was a struggle to simply wake up every morning.
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When both my parents died, it was terrible to see their suffering. The process of adjusting to their absence has not been easy. But I have adjusted and I know they would be proud of me.
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Letting go of fear has been another theme for me. It took courage for me to leave my marriage of over three decades.
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Unlike losing a child, divorce is commonplace so it surprises me that I’ve felt so isolated. Even though my marriage held little affection or companionship, I find myself mourning all of the dreams I once had. And I often bury myself with guilt over destroying my former husband’s dreams.
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Now that three years have gone by since my announcement, my children seem to have adjusted to this huge change in their lives. But after many years of taking care of my former husband, I live with the knowledge that I upended his life. He never expected I would leave and I try not to think of myself as a traitor.
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My ex-husband has taken full advantage of his position. Recently I have felt very angry with some of his choices that affect our children. I am not very good at dealing with anger. It is frustrating because I cannot write or talk about it as much as I wish I could.
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The thought that constantly occupies my mind has been, “I don’t deserve this!” as well as, “His children don’t deserve this!”
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What a huge trigger of sadness that is for me. It sends me to a place of thinking about all the things I’ve dealt with that weren’t fair in my life – and that is on top of my empty marriage.
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Anger and guilt are two wrestling emotions that love to hide in my shadow. I turn around with surprise to find them still there behind me. And I desperately want to let both of them go.
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Three years ago, it was a 4th of July I’d never forget. Only a few days before I had finally gotten the courage to tell my husband I wanted a divorce. We continued to sleep in the same bed and on Independence Day we had a family outing with our children to watch fireworks like we always had.
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I was numb and in a fog. I carried chairs and a bag with snacks for everyone; I walked far ahead of my husband. Our children pretended they were fine. As the fireworks above exploded, I felt my head and heart flinch with every crackle. I was digesting the awareness that my life was forever changed and his was, too. I was the perpetrator of so much unhappiness!
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There are many lyric lines in my song “The Door,” which give me incredible insight. The first line of my chorus is the one that sets the stage for me to leave with the words of: “When love went away, I just couldn’t stay . . .”
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And the most powerful line is: “I left because I was worth more.” That line is my antidote for “I don’t deserve this.”
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I see a door as a metaphor for making a choice. Leaving (or even staying) is a choice, just like letting go. And choices are empowering. For me, I had lived too many years worrying about making everyone around me happy. I wanted to pursue my dreams without constant criticism and pressure. This was all about feeling that my life was valuable enough for me to take a chance at finding happiness.
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I’m not worth more than my ex-husband. He deserves to be happy, too. He was very unhappy with our relationship even if he couldn’t admit it to me. I stayed for a long time because I was afraid of changing my life. It was an abyss that seemed terrifying to jump into.
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How in the world would I survive? I married when I was 21 and never lived on my own before that. I’m self-employed and an artist. Would I be able to support myself?
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It seems that I’ve overcome my fears because I most certainly have survived.–
In this picture, I am standing looking out the door of my former house I lived in for almost twenty years.
My song “The Door” gave me the courage to change my life. This new arrangement definitely pulls at my heartstrings; I feel comforted with every word.
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For the last three years, I’ve focused my life upon healing through singing my songs. I make choices that lead me to peace and inspiration. It’s no coincidence that my last song composition was named “Peaceful and Inspired.”
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But I want to move forward now to go through some new doors. The best way for me to do that is to remain in a state of awe and wonder.
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I am in awe that I actually had the courage to change my life.
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I am in awe that my words and songs touch so many people.
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I am in awe that at one of my recent performances, one of my songs caused another person to cry.
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I am in awe that I have learned to accept the many painful parts of my life, and that includes living with dry eyes.
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I am in awe of the beautiful music that flows from me and helps me to heal.
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I am eager to share my journey again.
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Anger and guilt might still linger in my shadow, but I’m not going to avoid the sunlight anymore to prevent that.
Before this year ends, I will be releasing a lot of CD’s. Here’s a promotion picture for my instrumental CD I released last month.
Below is a link to my latest arrangement for one of my favorite songs. I’ll be recording vocals and guitar next week.
THE UNKNOWN #5 Arrangement-Copyright 2015 by Judy Unger
This picture is important for mic placement. I am planning to record an album of acoustic guitar in the near future, as well.
